Nihilistic Tendencies
A cold embrace hovers over me
Disseminating all the light that once was
It is as if it had never been there
Day by day, the darkness grows as it is nurtured by confusion and doubt
Night after night, melancholy is no longer a feeling, but a state –
One that has been welcomed with warmth
God is not the question. God is the problem.
Why lie about his existence when I know he’s real?
Others may feel comfort in ignorance. Not I.
Comfort – in a predestined existence that is full of endless beauty,
Yet plagued by the stark reality of eternal damnation,
The product of our very own fabrication and design.
I seek no comfort because there isn’t any comfort. Not in this world.
The very purpose of our existence is empty and plain;
Though I believe the evil behind it all was giving man thought.
How is one bestowed with such incredulous talents
With the notion that none of them may be used,
And if allowed, must be appropriated accordingly?
We would have been better off being like the angels in heaven above,
Or ignorantly roaming like animals.
Instead, we were forsaken with knowledge.
A curse disguised as a blessing for the wise.
I comprise everything that I am worth and have been given.
My life, my soul, my world, my salvation, and all that comes with these pleasantly unpleasant things.
I risk an eternal life in the burning flames of hell
So that God may answer me this:
Why? Why have you forsaken me?
I, a servant once so humble to his master, have fallen from grace and the wings of his mercy.
But as I fall deep into the unwavering depths of everlasting despair
I seek to have my question answered by the One who had created me.
Never had I asked to have been created, and had I been told of the realities
Never would I have agreed to any of this,
With all the temptations and wonders at our disposal
It’s too easy to lose it and spend the rest of your days in an ever antagonizing squalor
Full of anguish and self-hate, hate that had been with you since your birth.
We do not live in a mad world.
We live in a sad world. It’ll never stop being sad.
A life entwined in a web of unresolved problems will never be saved.
There is no hope for anyone nor anything.
The only happiness we’ll ever have is this moment.
This is the only moment, the only opportunity, the only goddamn and blasphemously unholy holy chance we have to shine bright
Like the sun, a star that is equally fragile in it’s damnéd existence.
Reign in the fire before the fire reigns in you. Cease the day.
Too many before us, before me, have asked the same old questions.
Misfortune is man’s inevitable fate,
but we are given a short shot at real living before reality kicks in.
Life’s a bitch, and then you die; fin.
Written by Mensur Gjonbalaj
February 27, 2013
